


Like any other

by Felicja_Julieanne (CasualMaraudering)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: (That has 1000 words so I'm not sure it still qualifies), Asexual Character, Asexuality, Drabble, F/M, Identity Issues, Internalized Acephobia, LGBTQ Themes, Poland needs a hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-07
Updated: 2019-06-07
Packaged: 2020-04-12 00:21:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 926
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19120753
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CasualMaraudering/pseuds/Felicja_Julieanne
Summary: Things are calm after the The Soviet Union falls, for once. Poland has a lot of time to think. Way too much, even. She’s left with all of her inner demons.It’s always bothered her, who she is. Ever since her youngest years.





	Like any other

**Author's Note:**

> This is just a little drabble exploring my headcanon of nyo Po being asexual, since I've always wanted to write something about that!  
> Do note that, of course, asexuality is a spectrum and not every ace person is as presented here, this is just me projecting, so enjoy.  
> Warning: Internalised aphobia

Things are calm after the The Soviet Union falls, for once. Poland has a lot of time to think. Way too much, even. She’s left with all of her inner demons.

It’s always bothered her, who she is. Ever since her youngest years.

_Different._

_Weird._

_Broken._

She would listen to her brother talking about boys. Hear dames gossiping about their lovers. Catch men commenting women. It made her feel strange. As if this isn’t a place she belongs to. But everywhere she went, as she grew and matured, nothing would change. The same talk, the same people, the same confusion.

She fell in love, and hated it. Because why would he want her if she can’t give him what any other woman can? Why would he ever settle for someone like her? Someone so distant, so uncomfortable with everything, so odd. _So b_ _roken._ She always thought she’d make a horrible wife anyway. It didn't make it hurt less.

She lived through years of self loathing, centuries of trying to fix herself, or at the very least ignoring who she is. Ignoring the empty feeling in her chest when thinking she’s never going to have anyone love her. The anxiety in her chest whenever someone brought up her love life. The bitter feeling of having to lie. The twist in her stomach hearing comments from people. She’s plenty years old. She lived through a lot. And yet it still takes effort to love herself. Not to feel like she’s here by mistake. To feel like everyone who is there for her genuinely wants her around.

She desperately wants to be proud. She wants to be unapologetic of herself. To wake up and feel happy. To fall asleep next to her husband and for once, not feel he’s there just because he feels sorry for her. For him to stop having to be a shoulder to cry on every other night.  

Because she has a good life. She’s surrounded by great people. And yet these thoughts still creep into her brain.

 

* * *

 

She spends a lot of time alone, sitting on the porch, staring into the distance. Letting her mind take control of her.

Lithuania joins her, sometimes. When he’s not too busy, and notices she’s gone from the house. He sits right by her, shoulder to shoulder, his arm around her. Sometimes they talk. Sometimes they just sit in silence. Poland feels he somehow knows when her thoughts become a bit too much, because he’s always there when that happens. Always snapping her out of it.

“Can I ask you something?” he says one time, playing with her hair. It’s a calm, summer evening. They both watch the neighbourhood kids play on the street.

“Sure.”

One of the boys kicks the ball into their yard. He comes running, takes the ball, and runs back, not sparing them both a look.

“Would you like to have kids?”

She sighs. Somehow, she's not surprised. They danced around the subject a lot. She knew Lithuania always wanted to have children. So did she. 

It made her feel horrible knowing it's her fault they won't ever have any. 

A girl runs out of one of the houses, joining the playing kids.

“Yes. Very much so, actually.”

His head is rested on her. She can hear him smiling. “Really?”

“Back in the day, when I was much younger, I would babysit the maids’ kids a lot. I always wanted to have my own.”

Poland’s eyes go to one child sitting on the pavement. Alone, and away from the rest, drawing shapes on the street with her finger. Poland's smile disappears.

“But I always knew I’ll never have one.”  If only she were normal… They would probably have one by now. Lithuania would be a great dad, she figures. He’s always been so patient and loving. She wishes she could just get over herself, sometimes. Maybe she’s overreacting, and it wouldn’t be so bad. Or maybe it would, but she should do it anyway? “Though… If you want-”

“I’m not going to ask you to do that,” he says immediately. A tone that says it’s not up for discussion. “We’ve talked about it before, Fel. Anything that makes you uncomfortable, I’m not okay with.”

Poland both loves and hates him for it. Maybe if she was forced to it, she’d change her mind. Maybe it would fix her, even?

They’d have a marriage like any other.

“Besides,” Lithuania says again, softer this time. His hand finds hers. “I’ve done some reading. There’s other ways.”

“To have a baby? I know technology has been advancing, but this is basic biology, and-”

“I know, it sounds weird. But it’s the same basic principle, it’s just that everything happens outside the body. So you don’t have to do anything you don’t want to, I don’t have to mentally scar you for life-” she giggles. “-and if all goes well…”

“We’ll have a baby,” she finishes for him. She can’t help the smile on her face. It’s something she’s always wanted, but never thought she would have.

“No one says it’ll work, you know how it is with us. It’s definitely gonna be tricky. But it doesn’t hurt to try, right?”

He kisses her on the head. Two children come up to the little girl. They take her hands, and lead her to the rest of the group. Poland calmly watches them all play ball together.

It’s days like this when she’s okay with being a little different.

After all, it’s what makes her who she is.


End file.
